'Kay, I trundled off to the quack's recently for a routine blood, piss 'n' whatever else test and everything was fine...except my blood pressure, which had spiked. I was expecting this as work's got to such a manic stage that the non-stop bollocks is driving me nuts (so to speak). Not to mention the fact that I'm the only person taking every single call in the second busiest section of work but I'm thwarted in trying to achieve my own job by three other sections in the same department. I'm a fairly easygoing person but I'm a slow slow burn and bottling the pressure has steadily been getting to me, causing me to want to throw a Hulk-like tantrum. Course, I can't so the mounting pressure builds within, resulting in thumping headaches and nauseous, swimmy spells...
I've been popping a few paracetamols and taking the odd breath of fresh air but quite frankly, my resilience and patience have gone. Whereas up to a few weeks ago, I felt energised when i left work and was eager to get on with my own time, now everything's all a bit...meh.
I can't be arsed at work (and capability apart, I've always been fairly conscientious) and constantly space out. What's worse, it's spilling over into me personal time as I'm horrendously apathetic at the moment: I've only managed breakfast for the past few days, can't even be bothered to get lunch or make dinner. I just can't summon the will to draw or even read (my read pile currently numbers 60ish back issues, two books and about five GN/TPBs), I just want to..well, I don't want to do anything. At work I get so (cumulatively) infuriated that I just want to kill myself, stab my own hand or pluck out my own eye (I won't though---I'm not actually suicidal, just driven to loony rage) but at home, intellectually I want to get productive but emotionally can't engage. I'm spending too much time pondering my sanity...I don't feel like I'm having a depressive bout but god damn if I don't have the same symptoms.
I started doing some samples (Superman above) and gave up as I couldn't focus: dunno if its because I'm angsty or the art's crap but I gave up as it just wasn't coming together. I started compiling a portfolio for BICS this year...and find that the Oni pages are lacklustre, with nothing yet to boost them up. I printed off a few nice colour pics I liked at Staples and they came out nice but too dark so I don't know what I'll show. Maybe I won't. maybe I'll pack in all the drawing, what's the point? (Well, I still want to draw my own stuff...but what's the point of working in a vacuum if you're not an astronaut?). I doubt myself at the best of times, let alonee when on the verge of a titanic hissy fit.
I halfheartedly scanned in a tweaking of an old pic and coloured that as it was all i could be bothered to do..I don't like the art or (basicly flat) colours at all but kinda like the way the red pops...kinda sums up my mood right now...
6 comments:
I'm having a similar time at work at the moment, and am finding it spilling over into feelings of "why do I bother / I'm wasting my life" etc. I know it'll pass, but it's a bloody pain in the arse.
Hope things improve for you soon.
Yeah, I'm not actually depressed but have the can't-be-arsedness that comes with it.
I sat down with some beer in front of some West Wing last night and actually feel alot better for unwinding a bit...although the constant camera shots following people walking down corridors can get dizzying and nauseating. And for such an intelligent show, why would a school bully of Sam have his work number years later and expect him to help?
Wouldn't his work number be in the phone book under White House?
I still say its a bit far fetched...if I went to school with Peter mandelson and bullied him all the time, how easy would it be for me to get his number? Just seemed too far fetched for me, same as getting Edward James olmos out of jail because they were the White House and they used threats and bluffs to waltz him out with no actual thought od addressing why he was driving eratically, implying racism as an excuse...
The West Wing isn't half as intellectually superior as it likes to think, regularly falling back on that old TV cliche, the unlikely coincidence. The bigwig they need to win over often turns out to be one of the main cast's parent, ex-partner, etc. I find trying to keep up with the endless politico-babble more dizzying than the camera work.
Bullying Peter Mandelson? There's something to cheer you up. Hope you're feeling more Bruce Banner-y mate.
Well, I feel better today than I did a few days ago but I'm being hit in waves...I feel fine now but had to lock myself in the bog at work today for no particular reason except that I felt utterly despondent...and I hadn't even started work officially!
I did some surfing online and got the number of a local councellor and have a feeling I may call them next week...still twio fun weekends coming up might blow out some cobwebs!
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